When the Dead Get Better Wi-Fi Than the Living

Picture this: You're slouched on your couch, buffering through another endless Netflix queue, while over in California, ghosts are ghosting the system with lightning-fast internet speeds. That's right, folks! The Federal Communications Commission has uncovered that the Golden State, under the watchful eye of Governor Gavin "Slick Hair" Newsom, has been handing out free phones and internet to more than 94,000 dearly departed souls. Slapstick absurdity at its finest – imagine a skeleton scrolling through TikTok, or a poltergeist posting phantom selfies!

81% Fraud? That's Not a Statistic, That's a California Punchline!

Just when you thought the BS couldn't pile higher than the Hollywood sign, bam! The FCC Inspector General slaps us with the news that a whopping 81% of nationwide fraud in this low-income assistance program hails from California. We're talking $3.8 million in federal funds vanishing faster than a magician's rabbit – poof! – into the ether for ethereal users. Courtesy of Gavin himself, who's apparently turning the state into a comedy of errors where the dead vote, and now, they binge-watch too. Slap! Trip! Fall flat on your face – that's California management for you!

Newsom for President? Get the Flop Outta Here!

And this guy wants to waltz into the White House? Gavin Newsom, the king of calamity, dreaming of presidential perks while his state resurrects the undead for unlimited data plans. Imagine the Oval Office under his rule: Zombie aides shuffling papers, phantom calls from the beyond, and fraud so thick you could trip over it like a banana peel in a Marx Brothers flick. No thanks, Gav! Stick to your slapstick state antics – America's got enough comedy without your ghostly governance. Get the flop out of here!